Graphic by Mary-Amma Blankson
There’s no guidebook for losing a pet and even fewer instructions on what to do with the grief that follows. Well worry no more because here at the Zamboni we’ve simplified the mourning process into five easy, hands-on steps. With a little glue, glitter, and denial, you can create a tasteful farewell for your furry friend and develop key emotional management skills that will serve you well into adulthood.
Step 1: Decorate the Coffin
To simplify the grieving process, we’ve provided a cut-out coffin template at the bottom of the page for you. Line the coffin with tissues, preferably the soothing ones with lotion. Your hamster deserves the kind of comfort in heaven that it lacked in life – especially after its short, shining life was cut even shorter by the family Roomba. Use markers to write something sweet, like “Rest in Peace Nibbles, Gone But Not Forgotten (2025–2025)” on the front. Make sure to glob on a glitter glue cross, because mourning is no excuse for shoddy craftsmanship.
Step 2: Prepare the Body
This is the part where adults might provide some emotional support, especially if your hamster’s final moments involved the family cat or an unfortunate electrocution after gnawing on a wire behind the fridge just a bit too deep. Place your hamster, or at least what remains of it, gently in the coffin. You can even tuck them in with a bit of their old bedding or a sunflower seed for the road. Try not to think about how warm they used to be and focus on how cold yet peaceful they look now.
Step 3: The Funeral Procession
Invite your siblings, parents, and the one kid down the street who definitely thinks death is “sick” and pokes roadkill with sticks. Walk solemnly to the backyard while playing a tender, off-key rendition of “Taps” on the recorder your elementary school music teacher gave you. If available, use a classic red Radio Flyer wagon as a ceremonial hearse. Drape it in black paper. Move slowly. Let the moment feel heavy. This is not just about saying goodbye, it’s about learning to let go.
Step 4: The Eulogy
Use this script if you’re too emotional to write your own:
“Dear friends and family, we gather here today to say goodbye to [INSERT YOUR HAMSTER’S NAME HERE], a beloved hamster, a gifted escape artist, and a mild biter. [She/They/He] taught us that love is fleeting, snacks are forever, and that the wheel of life, much like their plastic one, never stops turning.”
Let a single tear fall. Bury the box. Wistfully stare off into the distance for a little too long.
Step 5: Move On
Grief has no timeline, but pet stores do. When you’re ready, consider adopting a new hamster. Name it “Nibbles II.” Pretend it’s the same one. Cope. This ritual helps you process loss and make space for love again. At least, until the next accident…
