Graphic by Olive Marcus
Young men, ages 18-32, are being afflicted with what the CDC is now calling “one of the most diabolical diseases to sweep the world since Men With Guitars Playing Oasis At You.” Our correspondents tell stories of mothers crying over hospital beds, where their sons lie desperately trying to convince their nurses to follow them on SoundCloud. One family member told us, “I thought that when he had a bad rap career in high school, it would inoculate him against this sort of thing!”
Unfortunately, new research is showing that even with past immunization, the MDJ (Male DJ) virus mutates quickly and is highly contagious.
“We have got to get these men out of the DJ booth. Playing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” and poorly remixing the same 15 pop songs will not make you top house, no matter what your bros hogging the elevated surfaces have to say,” an expert told our representative, “Community-based transmission is what’s really spreading this. We saw a massive decline in strains of MwGPO after the Ken guitar scene in the Barbie movie, so I’m hoping we can find a similar cure to this before it mutates into something worse. Right now, the best we’ve got is playing Boiler Room and reggaeton sets for 10 hours a day, to at least make their song selection better.”
Experts are concerned the call to action may not be enough. Every weekend, even with the knowledge that these are the men spinning tracks, frat lines are still impassable and the basements are packed. “There’s nothing better than microdosing crowd crush before I even get into DTD!” a frat-goer told The Zamboni. “It’s a real bonding experience, throwing elbows and suffocating with 50 new best friends. My therapist says it’s basically deep-pressure therapy.”
If you or someone you know comes down with delusions of grandeur, abuses the mixing feature on Spotify, or says, “I could do better than this DJ” at every party they go to, please reach out to your local hospital or therapist before it’s too late. The spread of this disease stops with you!
