Graphic by Claire Keck
After a long day of sailboat racing, dogfighting, and hunting poor people, Kurt Sartre of Brown University retired to his dorm’s humble canopy bed, unaware of his impending doom.
When Kurt awoke the next morning from uneasy dreams, he looked in the mirror and was terrified by what he saw. His bespoke suit has morphed into an ill-fitting pair of jeans, a big scarf, and a puffer jacket. His icy blue 20/20 eyes had been covered by a pair of non-prescription glasses worn “for the vibes.” He had found himself transformed in his sleep into a Tufts University student. The cruel caprices of fate had uprooted the foundation of his identity: his school affiliation.
Tearfully, Kurt’s parents, winners of WASP Family of the Year in 2025, announced that they had made the decision to put their son out of his misery.
“It was an act of mercy,” Albert, his father, said. “It would be crueler to allow him to go on living in such a wretched state.”
Kurt was a valued member of the Brown community. A beloved Mock Trial teammate, he specialized in highly convoluted, nigh-unintelligible legal proceedings. We reached out to Charlotte Godot, a fellow member of the team, who agreed to meet for an interview with The Zamboni before failing to appear. Kurt was also a member of the Penal Colony Outreach Program, visiting prisoners on islands across the Pacific.
In lieu of flowers, Kurt’s parents request that mourners “donate” a brick through the window of their local orphanage.
