Graphic by Raili Bourne
When I was first recruited to The Zamboni, I was delighted – an opportunity to promote traditional religious values whilst entertaining my peers! So imagine my surprise when I submitted my first article (an excellent one, if I may say so) only to have it unceremoniously struck down by the “editorial process.” When I confronted this magazine’s secular (read: godless) writing chiefs, they informed me that they thought my article was “clearly rushed” and that next time, I should “not just write ‘Baal-Moloch’ 156 times and submit it.” Rushed? RUSHED?!
HERESY! The Fiery Lord is the Truth! I was simply capturing his majesty as best I could! I understood then and there that I was experiencing the greatest act of Molochphobia since the Third Punic War! Straightaway I asked myself: WWBMD? Obviously, burn babies and livestock in a massive bronze statue. But I had to settle for the next best thing.
I reported this flagrant violation of my religious liberties to the OEO. Gallingly, I encountered some pushback even in this, as the ineffectual bureaucratic castrati of Tufts claimed that such claims were only supported for students practicing “real religions” and not “4000-year-old Near Eastern blood worship.” But with a bit of the ol’ Miller charm and a threat of charges, OEO assured me that my next article submission would be printed, and so let me use my platform to spread this message: THE HEATHENS OF THE TUFTS ZAMBONI ARE MUZZLING MY FREE SPEECH!
When the scorching light of The Bronze One lays bare the weakness of the flesh, I alone will stand triumphant over the ashes of those who tried to stay my voice. In the meantime, please donate to my GoFundMe to support my battle against censorship. Also tune into my podcast, Moloch, Mo’ Problems and watch my no-holds-barred Netflix special, Baals to the Wall.
