Graphic by Henry Barraclough
In a shocking turn of events, Tufts University, a founding member of the New England Small College Athletic Conference, has been ousted from its own division. The controversial move came after years of less-talented NESCAC schools complaining about Tufts’ athletic prowess.
“Your undergrad population is 8,000 – that’s literally 8x the size of mine!” a belligerent Bates cross-country runner told our correspondent. “That’s hardly a ‘small college’ if you ask me.”
“The only reason you guys stay a DIII NESCAC is so you can kick our asses. It’s not fair. You’re just LARPing at this point,” a fed-up Trinity athlete said. “I’d like to see you guys go up a division or two and still be up to snuff.”
After a wave of “Stomp Out Tufts” protests across numerous schools’ campuses, administrators decided the issue had gone too far.
“I genuinely do not get paid enough to care if Tufts’ women’s crew is going to crush our women’s crew team,” a Colby representative said. “What I do get paid to care about, though, is our students painting a profane graffiti mural of Jumbo the Elephant bending Morty the Mule over on the side of the athletic facilities. Evidently, they have made their feelings on the issue quite clear.”
Too dumb to be an Ivy League, too big to be a NESCAC, too talented to be DIII. Where, oh where, is Tufts supposed to be? Well, if you’re Sunil Kumar, you think we should continue to trailblaze.
“COME ON YOU FUCKING PUSSIES,” Kumar screamed from the roof of the President’s House last week. “YOU WANNA TRY US, COME TRY US!”
His PR team did reach out to The Zamboni to clarify Kumar’s statements, saying, “What President Kumar is really trying to get at is that if Stanford, Notre Dame, and Berkley can all be in the fucking Atlantic Coast Conference, there’s no reason Tufts can’t be in whatever conference we feel like. It’s time we picked on somebody our own size – quite literally. We’re tired of people thinking the Jumbos are too big for their britches.”
In a press release, the team explained that as an inaugural step in finding the Jumbos a new home conference, they would be reviving the old one-sided Harvard rivalry by TP-ing the Crimson Athletic Department. That’ll show ‘em.
