The map above has been annotated for your personal, or perhaps small group, enjoyment. Yes, all these places have been tested thoroughly by Zamboni staff. Yes, we used protection. No, we do not condone any love-making in Goddard Chapel (of course, we can’t stop you). With those brief safety warnings aside, please enjoy this unique campus tour!
- The top of Jumbo is our first stop! This will give you height superiority over other sexually-active couples doing the horizontal tango in Barnum.
- The Gay Steps is the next location. It’s close to a parking lot for easy access, you can walk down said steps to Pizza Days to refuel between rounds, and you just know you’ll be in some fun positions because of the famous length of these steps.
- Give those freshmen a show!
- Eaton Hall has been on campus this whole time, but you probably don’t recognize it because it’s been under construction for two years straight. Time to use that to your advantage (finally, you don’t have to kick your roommate out).
- This crosswalk may not be the most practical location on campus, but Zamboni be damned if it isn’t the most raw. You shouldn’t wait to finish crossing the street before letting out your primal urges. If a car hits you, it will just add to the experience! Who knows – maybe it will help him last longer.
- Many may not know this, but there is actually a garden down in the lower campus. I think it’s time you and your significant other added your own seed there. Squirt some water on some of those plants. Give that garden some life.
- The gender-neutral bathrooms. Always locked for a reason.
- When has your government done anything for you? Maybe it’s time you take advantage of the free government facilities on campus. Why else do you pay your taxes? It won’t be as empty as Eaton, but, since no one in our generation knows how to send mail, you should be fine. Hopefully, they’ll use the post box and don’t come in to interrupt …
- Self-explanatory.
BONUS SECTION: Best Places to Smoke
Because sometimes, Pres Lawn isn’t enough when you’re on 20mg. Good thing we have some other nifty spots lined up (in no particular order).
- Miller laundry room: A nostalgia trip to get you started. But beware: freshmen can be kind of scary, and if you make eye contact with them under the influence, they will proceed to steal your soul.
- Tisch gender-neutral bathroom: Liminal. Mysterious. Don’t spend too long there, lest you end up trapped in one of the eerie paintings they have on the wall for some reason.
- Tisch roof: A classic. Everyone has a moment on Tisch roof, yet no one seems to run into each other. Why this is the case, we don’t know. If you haven’t had your moment yet, now is the time!
- Cousens Gym: Seeing people take care of themselves will force you to confront your own inadequacies. Why aren’t you counting your macros? Are you skipping leg day? Avoid at all costs.
- The MAB Lab: Zamboni meetings Thursdays at 8! An obvious 10 stars.
