Graphic by Max Kantor-Gerber
It was a dark and stormy night when an anonymous TCU Treasurer broke this mind-boggling story to us.
Following the controversial election of President Sunil Kumar, his administration has pledged to give Dhruv Sampat complete control over the newly-created DOJE. The Department of Jumbo Efficiency pledges to slash unnecessary funding for useless, woke clubs and eliminate bumbling administrative bureaucracy. No more OEO, no more Cheese Club, no more Melisma, no more WMFO. The TCU now only champions organizations that are bastions of liberal democracy like the Tribune, the Tufts Federalist Society, and DTD.
This story was broken by a disgruntled TCU Assistant Treasurer, furious after being ejected from Sampat’s cybertruck; the same one frequently seen lingering around Carm. Breaking this story is dangerous. The Zamboni relies on TCU funding, unlike those cowards at the Daily. However, we are committed to the truth above all else. So, even if this breaking story of DOJE’s evils leads to our defunding, we must publish with our heads held high. Unless we get a bump in funding that is…(hit us up, Dhruv).
The department is the brainchild of trillionaire treasurer Dhruv Sampat – a sign of ambition from the machiavellian junior who wishes to puppeteer his way into the upper echelon of Tufts government. DOJE’s creation follows Sampat’s controversial purchase of Sidechat for $44 million, using it to remove all traces of criticism towards the TCU and Tufts administration. Seven guiless freshmen CS majors were plucked straight from the womb (CS11 lecture) by Sampat, who specifically looked for the most impressionable freshie techies.
DOJE went after community-oriented organizations like the Tisch College of Civic Life, which was about to propose to Tufts a $66 billion plan to solve climate change. Their cut to TUFTSAID resulted in the loss of almost 10,000 jobs. DOJE banned Burlesque, decreasing TuftsTickets usage by 100%. They have frozen funding for TEMS, leading to ferocious outcry from freshmen who need to black out on a Wednesday night. They have also banned education.
Sunil Kumar has encouraged Sampat and DOJE to cut as much funding as possible in lieu of tariffs against Harvard and MIT. Because of these developments, the price of Hodge bowls at Tufts has tripled. What does this mean for you? Well, you shouldn’t have voted for him. He even won the popular vote! Told you guys.
