The following is a commentator’s transcript from the Tufts Wrestling Entertainment World Heavyweight Championship Match. All cameras were unfortunately destroyed in the process of the match. This transcript is the only remaining evidence of the night. This transcript . . . and the scars.
Bud: Welcome everybody to TUFTS WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT! We have quite the matchup for you tonight, a matchup that will determine who holds the World Heavyweight Championship, Tufts’s most prestigious title. Tell ‘em about it J.B.
J.B.: Tufts President and reigning World Heavyweight Champion Sunil Kumar goes toe-to-toe with the ferocious Malik Mufti. You may think that Mufti has softened in his old age, but might I remind you that this is a man hardened in the Jordanian military. That kind of training never leaves you.
Bud: That’s right J.B., Mufti poses a threat to Kumar’s four hundred and eighty-five day reign. In that time Kumar has beaten former president Tony Monaco, who he put into retirement, Tufts alumni Tracy Chapman, and current professor Anne Mahoney. All opponents were ferocious, resilient, and experienced, yet that wasn’t enough to bring down the mighty Kumar. Mufti will be hoping he can turn the tide tonight in a sold out TD Garden.
J.B.: You’ve got that right Bud . . . oh here we go, Mufti’s music has hit, and now here comes the man himself! Walking down the ring to Eminem’s “Killer,” Mufti is making it very clear that he’s not here to play around. Look at that swagger, look at that signature smile, look at that beautiful man! I’m telling you now, Bud, I’m thinking the title is changing hands tonight!
Bud: You could be right! But let’s not make any bets now, Mufti has barely gotten in the ring and Kumar has started walking down the ramp, striding to his signature tune, “Bad Reputation.”
J.B.: The two men now standing face to face, trading barbs . . . OH MY, KUMAR HAS JUST SLAPPED MUFTI . . .
Bud: The ref has rung the bell and this match is underway after an unsportsmanlike slap from Kumar.
J.B.: Mufti has regained his composure, and is throwing some heavy punches. Kumar now being backed into the corner of the ring!
Bud: That’s right J.B., but Kumar, relying on his experience in the ring, is doing well to keep his hands up to mitigate Mufti’s blows.
J.B.: Mufti taking some steps back and . . . WOAH . . . a dropkick by Mufti to the jaw of Sunil Kumar.
Bud: I think Kumar poked a bear by slapping Mufti before the bell, it only has the former military man in a foul mood.
J.B.: That’s right Bud. Kumar now sprawled out in the corner of the ring. And what’s this? What’s Mufti doing? Is he climbing to the top rope? No, Mufti, NO!
Bud: OH MY GOD, he’s going to try and finish this match already with his signature move The Muft-See!
J.B.: Mufti steadying himself on the top rope . . . AND HE LEAPS, ELBOW OUTSTRETCHED . . .
Bud: KUMAR HAS ROLLED OUT OF THE WAY . . . OH MY GOD, MUFTI MISSED, MUFTI MISSED!!!
J.B.: Oh sweet Jesus, both of these men are laid out in the middle of this ring, not even two minutes into this match!
Bud: Mufti has started to crawl back to his feet . . . wait who’s coming down the ramp?
J.B.: OH MY GOD IT’S KELLY GREENHILL!
Bud: What is she doing here?!! She was supposed to be at a conference! IS SHE EVEN ALLOWED TO BE HERE?
J.B.: SHE’S GETTING IN THE RING . . .
Bud: Kelly Greenhill has taken off her signature scarf and is now using it to choke out Mufti! This is vile! This is Evil!
J.B.: This is genius!
Bud: But wait! Kumar is back to his feet, only now realizing he has two opponents in this championship match . . .
J.B.: Kumar hits Greenhill with a hook . . . she’s knocked off balance . . . Kumar takes her by the hair and throws her over the rope and out of the ring! Now he’s turning on Mufti . . . a left hook . . . a right hook . . . an uppercut . . . AND MUFTI FLIES OVER THE TOP ROPE TOO!
Bud: WOW, Kumar raises his hand and the crowd goes wild! But he hasn’t won this yet! He needs to pin one of his opponents for a three-count!
J.B.: What is Kumar doing . . . he’s backing up, readying himself to dive over the rope!
Bud: Kumar don’t do it! OH NO HE’S DOING IT . . . HE’S DONE IT . . . SUNIL KUMAR HAS JUST DIVED OVER THE TOP ROPE, TAKING OUT MUFTI AND GREENHILL IN THE PROCESS!
J.B.: Bud, do you hear that? What’s that rumbling noise? It’s like a truck . . .
Bud: I hear it too! What is . . . OH MY GOD, IS THAT A BULLDOZER COMING DOWN THE RAMP?
J.B.: It sure is! And it’s filled with dirt! But who’s driving it? Is that . . . IS THAT MATTHEW HARRINGTON?!
Bud: OH LORD ALMIGHTY IT IS! WHAT DOES MATTHEW HARRINGTON OF THE ARCHAEOLOGY DEPARTMENT HAVE IN STORE?
J.B.: Harrington has entered himself into the match it seems, but what is he doing with this bulldozer full of dirt? . . . OH NO . . .
Bud: HARRINGTON IS POURING THE DIRT OVER HIS THREE OPPONENTS PILED UP OUTSIDE OF THE RING!
J.B.: SWEET JESUS HE’S TURNING THEM INTO AN ARCHAEOLOGICAL DIG!
Bud: CALL HIM SHI HUANG DI ‘CAUSE HE’S JUST BURIED SOME PEOPLE ALIVE!
J.B.: HOW VILLAINOUS! HOW VILE!
Bud: HOW GENIUS! But wait! How can he get the pin if his opponents are buried under a ton of dirt??
J.B.: I think Harrington is just realizing his mistake now! Harrington has climbed to the top of the pile of dirt, sporting his new merchandise line “Just For Giggles.”
Bud: Harrington is obviously trying to figure out how to solve this problem he has created for himself . . .
J.B.: WHO’S THAT COMING UP BEHIND HIM?? IN THAT DASHING THREE PIECE SUIT . . . PROCTOR HITS HARRINGTON OVER THE HEAD WITH A TWO THOUSAND PAGE BOOK!
Bud: Harrington has crumpled down the pile of dirt! Proctor now has the advantage as long as he can get Harrington into the ring and pin him for a count of three!
J.B.: Proctor has picked Harrington up over his shoulders and is now carrying him into the ring. He lays him on the ground and covers him for the three count! The Referee counts . . .
Bud: ONE
J.B.: TWO
Bud: A MASKED FIGURE HAS JUST PULLED THE REFEREE BY THE LEGS OUT OF THE RING! WHO IS THAT MASKED FIGURE?
J.B.: The masked figure is now standing face to face with Proctor! WHO COULD IT BE . . . HE’S TAKING OFF HIS MASK . . .
Bud: IT’S NIMAH MAZAHERI, HEAD OF THE POLITICAL SCIENCE DEPARTMENT!
J.B.: PROCTOR RAISES HIS BOOK TO HIT MAZAHERI . . . BUT MAZAHERI BLOCKS BY HITTING HIS SMOLDER, SHATTERING ALL OF OUR FILM CAMERAS IN THE PROCESS!
Bud: PROCTOR LOOKS OUT OF IT!
J.B.: No mortal being can withstand looking directly into Mazaheri’s smolder!
Bud: Proctor is down and out! It’s time for Mazaheri to win by pinning him!
J.B.: BUT WAIT… it seems like Mazaheri has no interest in finishing this match! Look at him flexing at the crowd!
Bud: J.B., what’s this? Who’s that climbing out the pile of dirt? Who is that?
J.B.: OH MY LORD, IT’S KUMAR! HE’S UNBURIED HIMSELF!
Bud: MAZAHERI DOESN’T SEE HIM!
J.B.: Kumar is creeping up behind Mazaheri . . . he’s unrecognizable, covered in so much dirt! Kumar, who’s pink spandex leggings are now stained brown with dirt, is back in the ring!
Bud: Kumar takes his measure of a distracted Mazaheri . . . KARATE KICK! KUMAR HITS HIS SIGNATURE KUMAR KARATE KICK, KNOCKING MAZAHERI SENSELESS!
J.B.: A dazed Kumar now realizing he can win this match! And look! The referee has climbed back in the ring!
Bud: Kumar has covered Mazaheri for the three-count!
J.B.: ONE
Bud: TWO
J.B.: THREE
Bud: SUNIL KUMAR RETAINS THE TUFTS WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!
J.B.: Despite a number of interferences and a blatant absence of rules, Sunil Kumar has overcome the odds and is still your champion!
Bud: What a night! What a win! We’ll see you and all of your professors in class tomorrow!
J.B.: Goodnight! Transcript ends
