The Tufts University administration headed by the newly appointed President Sunil Kumar has made many promises to the student body. Today, they have delivered.
Circumventing the complicated and oftentimes laborious process of applying for financial aid, President Sunil Kumar has said goodbye to the irksome applications of old and introduced a simple and exciting solution with (doggy) style.
That’s right: the new Financial Aid Program enables the student body to ‘smash for cash’. Students looking to reduce the cumbersome admissions fee now have the freedom to select from any porn company, from any audition slot, at their convenience. Never has avoiding the world of excess loans and financial forms been so pleasurable. A spokesperson from the President’s office has revealed working tirelessly over the past months to find a solution that will fit just right for all students.
“Students will be able to make hundreds of dollars per session, as well as maybe shake off our school’s reputation for being a bunch of bitchy prudes,” the representative added. This special insight has revealed the duality of the new financial aid program. Not only does the administration hope to reduce costs for the student body, but also establish a generation of (as coined by President Kumar himself) “bonerfide intellectuals.”
The future looks bright for new and current Tufts students. However, it’s not just students getting spunky: Next week the Tufts’ Administration publishes its plan to improve the income of dining workers (Here’s a hint: prostitution).
