NEWS
BREAKING
Anorexic Turkey Not Looking Forward to Being Stuffed this Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving. A celebration of that one time Pocahontas introduced John Smith to cranberry sauce. I have often reflected on the poignance of Thanksgiving: the joy it brings, the mouths it feeds, the way…
NEws
RFK Jr. Admits Fault in Killing of Jumbo
WASHINGTON D.C. — Apparently seeking to get in front of a forthcoming Tufts Daily exposé, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. appeared via Instagram Live on Wednesday to confess to the 1885 killing of…
NEWS
Tufts Dining Proposes New Springfield-Inspired Menu Items
Tufts Dining announced plans for new menu items with a Haitian twist on American classics at many on-campus dining locations.…
Tufts Professors on Who They Plan to Vote For
Graphic by Eden Stambaugh Vickie Sullivan – Professor of Political Science“I will be writing in Joe Biden. I believe he…
J.D. Vance Visits the Sink
Republican Vice Presidential Candidate J.D Vance visited The Sink as a part of his cafe tour following his viral visit…
Pepper, TUPD’s Comfort Dog, Spotted at RNC
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN — TUPD’s Pepper (K9) was discovered unaccompanied amidst the roaring crowds at the Republican National Convention. During Former…
Freshman Politically Active for the First Time, Now Expert on Every Issue Ever
In a shocking turn of events, freshman Karl Thompson, who began the semester with a general interest in political science,…
Kumar Has “Concepts of a Plan” to Address Substandard On-Campus Housing Option
In an absurd moment of rhetoric, President Sunil Kumar of Tufts University, declared he had “concepts of a plan” to…
INVESTIGATIVE
Dog DTD Claimed To Have Adopted Turns Out To Be 65 Year Old Cleaning Lady
The Tufts University community was thrilled when DTD revealed that they had adopted a dog into their frat-family. The brotherhood appeared to be orienting itself towards a family-friendly identity by welcoming a German Shepherd named Hildebrand into their home. Jill Zellmer, Executive Director of OEO, brightly remarked on this furry new campus presence. “Here’s one…
Swing Voters Can’t Decide Between Dilapidated, Broken Swing and Nice, Newly-Installed Swing
Though most people have picked a side going into November, many conflicted swing voters remain. One of the swings is reported to be fitted with a brand new seat cushion, while the other has a rusty nail that goes up your ass. A swing voter from the Tufts Federalist Society stated: “It doesn’t hurt that…
