NEWS
BREAKING
Q&A With the Editor in Chief
The following is a compilation of letters our Editor in Chief Jack Wilan has received in the past few months. Dear Zamboni Editor-in-Chief, Is it really true that a bird in the hand…
NEws
Hands Across Boston
Brotherly love never felt so good. “What we have created is a human daisy chain of spiritual and sexual pleasure,” said Judy Powell, the artist behind Hands Across Boston. This project is…
Letter to a Freshman Virgin
Dear First-Year Virgin, I was you once. Long ago. I probably don’t seem so different from you, but trust me, I am. There are miles of maturity, experience, worth, and sex-appeal between…
“You’re Finally a Woman,”
Now, no more than an hour later, standing on President’s Lawn, Jessica caressed a lit cigarette between her lips, tasting from the haze of smoke that lingered around her mouth. In her…
BACK TO SCHOOL, BACK TO SLIM!
Brought to you by the Tufts University Office of Residential Life & Learning Are you a bright, young individual headed off to Tufts this fall? Worried you’ll gain the dreaded “Freshman 15”…
LATEST
A Soulful Word on Beginning
This morning, as my joints tingled in anticipation for the 6:30 a.m. industrial garbage trucks, and my lower back ached in fond remembrance of the trusty (but poorly-weighted) Jansport I’ve lugged around for the last three years, I realized concretely for the first time that my time at this oh-so-wonderful school was waning. Naturally, I…
PREVIOUSLY
Tufts Imposes New Tariffs on Outside Vendors
Tufts University President Sunil Kumar announced sweeping new tariffs on products and services supplied by outside vendors in a press conference on Wednesday. “For decades our campus has been looted, pillaged, raped, and plundered by outside vendors near and far, both friend and foe alike.” Kumar said. “Unless C&W Services is prepared to exclusively employ…
Freshman Politically Active for the First Time, Now Expert on Every Issue Ever
In a shocking turn of events, freshman Karl Thompson, who began the semester with a general interest in political science, has now, after completing just three lectures in Introduction to International Relations, declared himself an expert on every political, social, and economic issue facing humanity. Karl, whose prior political experience included sporadically liking tweets from…
Kumar Has “Concepts of a Plan” to Address Substandard On-Campus Housing Option
In an absurd moment of rhetoric, President Sunil Kumar of Tufts University, declared he had “concepts of a plan” to address the crippling state of the mods. His comment came during a live Q&A in which one student confronted him about his administration’s efforts. “President Kumar, you have long vowed to repeal and replace The…
Cowardly TCU Treasurer Cuts Funding for Media Clubs In Attempt to Suppress Dissent
In what may become an act of political suicide, Tufts Community Union Treasurer Dhruv Sampat, announced that TCU would be cutting funding for on-campus publications, presumably in an effort to suppress dissent. “Our new policy aims to pivot the Tufts media landscape to a digital format, which would ensure that no one reads the criticism…
NEWS
Message to a Penis Padawan
Welcome, young penis padawan! Your training begins today. I will help you – I am the Penis Jedi. I was…
The Sink’s Secret Menu
LAVENDER MARRIAGE: Earl grey latte coupled with lavender syrup THE GREEN LINE: Regular matcha latte; You’ll have to wait 8-12…
More Mormon, Less Problems
We all had dreams of attending the best universities America has to offer, but, somehow, we ended up at Tufts…
A Warning to the Club Curious
Freshmen, this is a warning. Many of you have anticipated joining clubs all summer, eager to get involved in extracurriculars…
Help! I Peaked in High School!
When you threw that graduation cap up in the air, you thought you threw your life away along with it.…
I Spent $900 on Textbooks I Didn’t Read and You Should Too
Tufts University is a world-class institution, a beacon of intellectual pursuit, and most importantly, a thriving marketplace for the legal…
Confessions of a Chronic Faredodger
My pace quickens as I make my approach to the Medford/Tufts Green line stop. The game plan runs through my…
Sayonara, Seniors!
In honor of our graduating seniors, we have put together some senior profiles! Congratulations, and long live The Zamboni! Sid…
Dora The Missionary
For years, Tufts University has brainwashed its students into believing that Jumbo was an elephant. They print it on merch.…
Jumbo Is a Mammoth
For years, Tufts University has brainwashed its students into believing that Jumbo was an elephant. They print it on merch.…
Eaton Hall to be Renovated into Power Rangers Megazord
Tufts students returning to campus after Winter Break may have noticed the new Eaton Hall renovations, which reworked the layout…
RFK’s Worm Exhausts Food Supply, Finds New Home in Sunil Kumar
The Tufts community has been shaken to its core. Upon finding its food source depleted, the worm that previously inhabited…
Mr. Beast Trolley Problem
The end of 2024 wasn’t easy for Jimmy “Mr. Beast” Beast; his Amazon Prime game show was facing legal challenges…
Club Penguin Island Breaks Out Into All-Out Class War
Since its inception in January 2009, the membership badge has afforded Club Penguin residents with a life of never-ending luxury.…
Tufts Attempts To Curry Favor With New Sidewalk Policy
This past winter, as the blistering, icy grip of New England winter tightened around Tufts University, Tufts Facilities unveiled an…
Salon Queens: A Dying Breed
I’ve dedicated my life to observing human behavior. I’ve spent years studying American society closely. My work spans all six…
Tuft’s Most Terrifying Predator: The 30 year-old Grad Student in Your Class
Deep in the academic wilderness of Tufts University, a strange and powerful creature lurks among the unsuspecting undergraduate population. It…
My Life as a DORK:the Anthropology of the Tufts Student
5:30 AM: Wake up before my lazy roommate. I put on my big silly dork glasses and take out my…
Gulliver’s Travels: 2 Fast 2 Travel
Dearest Reader, My name is Gulliver, and I still have a tale to tell that will make your hair stand…
Africa 101: Tufts Goes Safari
Jambo! Psst, that means ‘hello’ in Swahili. I’m here as your humble safari guide to take you on a journey…
To Expel or Not To Expel: Monkey Faces Plagiarism Accusations
After over a century of investigation, the Tufts’ Cummings School of Veterinary Medicine has finally accomplished the first step in…
Settlers of Catan Introduces New Indigenous Expansion Pack
“Once the George Washington Card is played, the Unbreakable Treaty Card becomes void. God has spoken.” Settlers of Catan: Manifest…
Anthropologist Proves America Is the Best
The bland green Mongolian Steppe is a far cry from the purple mountain majesties and parking lots I know and…
Tufts Wrestling Entertainment World Heavyweight Championship Match Ends In Chaos
The following is a commentator’s transcript from the Tufts Wrestling Entertainment World Heavyweight Championship Match. All cameras were unfortunately destroyed…
LOST IN LEWIS CAVERNS
Lewis hall residents have long wondered about the long, liminal corridor of locked doors in the building’s basement. The doors…
EXPOSED: Tufts’ New Business Frat
With the new business frat Alpha Kappa Psi on campus, my team and I decided it was absolutely imperative that…
Mother Only One To See Through Daughter-in-Law’s Cult of Personality
The image captures a woman lifting a young girl into the air. Fresh faced and rosy cheeked, the young girl…
Naggy Nancy the Library Shusher Back At It Again: Gunshots “Too Loud”
Well, here we go again. Nancy Sherbraun, colloquially known as Naggy Nancy the Library Shusher, has once again taken it…
Manic Pixie Dream Boy
A young man sits on the library basement floor, tucked discreetly between the book stacks while pondering a novel in…
Ratatouille Rat’s Less Talented Cousin Found Working at Dewick Dining Hall
In the latest series of Tufts’ dining rodent infestations, a large rat was discovered bathing in the kitchen sink of…
Tufts Secret Society: Jumbottoms, Revealed
A whistleblower, who has asked to remain anonymous, recently revealed the existence of a long-rumored secret society at Tufts University.…
Curious Case of Proctor
I awoke, groggy and dreary-eyed, one rainy morn. My mind was occupied with the readings and papers I had to…
Gifford House: Hell on Earth
Gifford House, home of Sunil Kumar. The light in the attic, eerily constant. I can’t help but think of the…
Filthy Rich: The So-Called ‘Homeless’
Call them what you want: hobos, bums, tramps, beggars. The homeless are widely considered to be a rock at the…
Tufts Establishes Department of Jumbo Efficiency
It was a dark and stormy night when an anonymous TCU Treasurer broke this mind-boggling story to us. Following the…
Tufts University Exposed: Every Student Was a Warrior Cats Kid
MEDFORD, MA—After years of speculation, new evidence has surfaced confirming what many have long suspected: Every single student at Tufts…
Toast Busters: Inside the Houston Hall Grilled Cheese Black Market
In the dimly lit corridors of Houston Hall, a tragic tale of rebellion, melted cheese, and broken dreams unfolded. What…
A Bloody Beginning: What Really Happened to Jumbo?
All Tufts students know the story of a valiant elephant named Jumbo who saved his small friend, Tom Thumb, from…
Tufts Grads Go Undercovers as Employed
ATHENS, GA – Recent graduates of Tufts University, Lauren Smith, Dylan Friedman, and Sonya Terrence, have decided to go where…
Tufts Students Abroad in Chile Trapped
In the United States, citizens generally have the right to reenter the country should they find themselves abroad. In fact,…
Disney Announces Toy Story 79
Disney recently announced that Toy Story 79 has entered the pre-production stage. This is the 89th installment in the Toy…
PINK PONY POPULISM
Chappell Roan and the Pink Pony Party haven’t been casual in their efforts to chip away at American democracy. The…
In My Defense, Your Honor, I Was Traveling Through Time
It was ready. I had done it! After months of wiring, rewiring, soldering, re-soldering, moldering, re-moldering, folding, bending, pushing, and…
SMFA Student’s Art Installation Just Regular Bench; Everyone Too Afraid to Ask
The Tufts University community has been ripped with anxiety this week. Students and faculty grappled with what appears to be…
Second Coming of Christ Sees His Shadow, 600 More Years of Civilization
Jesus Christ finally came again to judge the living and the dead on Tuesday, as the Gospel foretold. The Son…
Tufts Study Abroad Program Expands to Jupiter and Mars
The Tufts study abroad program has officially expanded to Mars and Jupiter. That’s right, folks, for the 2090-2091 school year,…
Rainbow House Enacts New “Prove It” Policy
As the Rainbow House at Tufts has expanded, the number of applications has skyrocketed. Thus, the “Q’munity” house patrons announced…
Tufts Most Prestigious University in Boston
MEDFORD, MA — After a season of devastating storms and flooding, much of the Greater Boston area sank below sea…
Anorexic Turkey Not Looking Forward to Being Stuffed this Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving. A celebration of that one time Pocahontas introduced John Smith to cranberry sauce. I have often reflected on the…
Tufts University Announces Construction of Graftanamo Bay Detention Center
GRAFTON, MASSACHUSETTS — President Sunil Kumar announced the construction of a detention center at the former site of the Cummings…
RFK Jr. Admits Fault in Killing of Jumbo
WASHINGTON D.C. — Apparently seeking to get in front of a forthcoming Tufts Daily exposé, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. appeared…
Tufts Dining Proposes New Springfield-Inspired Menu Items
Tufts Dining announced plans for new menu items with a Haitian twist on American classics at many on-campus dining locations.…
Tufts Professors on Who They Plan to Vote For
Graphic by Eden Stambaugh Vickie Sullivan – Professor of Political Science“I will be writing in Joe Biden. I believe he…
J.D. Vance Visits the Sink
Republican Vice Presidential Candidate J.D Vance visited The Sink as a part of his cafe tour following his viral visit…
Pepper, TUPD’s Comfort Dog, Spotted at RNC
MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN — TUPD’s Pepper (K9) was discovered unaccompanied amidst the roaring crowds at the Republican National Convention. During Former…
Swing Voters Can’t Decide Between Dilapidated, Broken Swing and Nice, Newly-Installed Swing
Though most people have picked a side going into November, many conflicted swing voters remain. One of the swings is…
Top Sidechat Users Are Good at Masturbating Alone in Dark Room, Study Finds
From the outside, the world of Sidechat may appear to be occupied by lonely students seeking out sexual partners and…
Attendees Disappointed After Religion Department Magic Show Turns Out to Be Chemistry Lab
A staggering ten of the fifteen members of the Department of Religion E-list jumped at the opportunity to spend time…
Increase in Tufts’ Cocaine Production Attributed to New Government Funding, Department Overhaul
This quarter saw an unprecedented 33% increase in Tufts University’s production of thevaluable and high-demand drug: cocaine. While cocaine remains…
Spring Fling Budget Cuts: Headliner Announced to Be My Cousin Who Goes to Northeastern and Plays a Mean Bass Guitar
In a well-edited Instagram reel, TUSC finally announced Spring Fling 2024’s headliner. The concert, thrown annually at Tufts since 1980,…
New Tufts Financial Aid Program Just a Web-Link to Porn Auditions
The Tufts University administration headed by the newly appointed President Sunil Kumar has made many promises to the student body.…
INVESTIGATIVE
Dog DTD Claimed To Have Adopted Turns Out To Be 65 Year Old Cleaning Lady
The Tufts University community was thrilled when DTD revealed that they had adopted a dog into their frat-family. The brotherhood appeared to be orienting itself towards a family-friendly identity by welcoming a German Shepherd named Hildebrand into their home. Jill Zellmer, Executive Director of OEO, brightly remarked on this furry new campus presence. “Here’s one…