NEWS
BREAKING
Tufts University Announces Construction of Graftanamo Bay Detention Center
GRAFTON, MASSACHUSETTS — President Sunil Kumar announced the construction of a detention center at the former site of the Cummings School of Veterinary Medicine. The rural campus will soon be replaced by a…
NEws
Cowardly TCU Treasurer Cuts Funding for Media Clubs In Attempt to Suppress Dissent
In what may become an act of political suicide, Tufts Community Union Treasurer Dhruv Sampat, announced that TCU would be cutting funding for on-campus publications, presumably in an effort to suppress dissent.…
NEWS
Thinking About Stealing From the Dining Halls? Think Again: Dining Workers’ Burn Book Tells All
One misplaced book in the Dewick-McPhee Dining Hall threatens to unravel the very fabric of Tufts’ community. Encased within the…
Top Sidechat Users Are Good at Masturbating Alone in Dark Room, Study Finds
From the outside, the world of Sidechat may appear to be occupied by lonely students seeking out sexual partners and…
Attendees Disappointed After Religion Department Magic Show Turns Out to Be Chemistry Lab
A staggering ten of the fifteen members of the Department of Religion E-list jumped at the opportunity to spend time…
Spring Fling Budget Cuts: Headliner Announced to Be My Cousin Who Goes to Northeastern and Plays a Mean Bass Guitar
In a well-edited Instagram reel, TUSC finally announced Spring Fling 2024’s headliner. The concert, thrown annually at Tufts since 1980,…
New Tufts Financial Aid Program Just a Web-Link to Porn Auditions
The Tufts University administration headed by the newly appointed President Sunil Kumar has made many promises to the student body.…
INVESTIGATIVE
Increase in Tufts’ Cocaine Production Attributed to New Government Funding, Department Overhaul
This quarter saw an unprecedented 33% increase in Tufts University’s production of thevaluable and high-demand drug: cocaine. While cocaine remains a federally classified Schedule II drug—possession of which can carry up to a fine of $2000 or two years in prison in the state of Massachusetts — a recently passed law allows, select private institutions…