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BREAKING

Dora The Missionary

For years, Tufts University has brainwashed its students into believing that Jumbo was an elephant. They print it on merch. They engrave it into history. They even put up a statue right in…

NEws

Jumbo Is a Mammoth

For years, Tufts University has brainwashed its students into believing that Jumbo was an elephant. They print it on merch. They engrave it into history. They even put up a statue right…

Mr. Beast Trolley Problem

The end of 2024 wasn’t easy for Jimmy “Mr. Beast” Beast; his Amazon Prime game show was facing legal challenges for inhumane treatment of contestants, and he was even hit with similar…

LATEST

Club Penguin Island Breaks Out Into All-Out Class War

Since its inception in January 2009, the membership badge has afforded Club Penguin residents with a life of never-ending luxury. For a small fee of $5.95 ($7.95 after inflation) per month, penguins can unlock access to a wider variety of mini-games, the highest quality clothes on the market, and multi-story luxury igloos. Expectedly, this has…

PREVIOUSLY

Tufts Imposes New Tariffs on Outside Vendors

Tufts University President Sunil Kumar announced sweeping new tariffs on products and services supplied by outside vendors in a press conference on Wednesday. “For decades our campus has been looted, pillaged, raped, and plundered by outside vendors near and far, both friend and foe alike.” Kumar said. “Unless C&W Services is prepared to exclusively employ…

Freshman Politically Active for the First Time, Now Expert on Every Issue Ever

In a shocking turn of events, freshman Karl Thompson, who began the semester with a general interest in political science, has now, after completing just three lectures in Introduction to International Relations, declared himself an expert on every political, social, and economic issue facing humanity. Karl, whose prior political experience included sporadically liking tweets from…

Kumar Has “Concepts of a Plan” to Address Substandard On-Campus Housing Option

In an absurd moment of rhetoric, President Sunil Kumar of Tufts University, declared he had “concepts of a plan” to address the crippling state of the mods. His comment came during a live Q&A in which one student confronted him about his administration’s efforts. “President Kumar, you have long vowed to repeal and replace The…

NEWS

LOST IN LEWIS CAVERNS

Lewis hall residents have long wondered about the long, liminal corridor of locked doors in the building’s basement. The doors…

PINK PONY POPULISM

Chappell Roan and the Pink Pony Party haven’t been casual in their efforts to chip away at American democracy. The…

INVESTIGATIVE

Dog DTD Claimed To Have Adopted Turns Out To Be 65 Year Old Cleaning Lady

The Tufts University community was thrilled when DTD revealed that they had adopted a dog into their frat-family. The brotherhood appeared to be orienting itself towards a family-friendly identity by welcoming a German Shepherd named Hildebrand into their home. Jill Zellmer, Executive Director of OEO, brightly remarked on this furry new campus presence. “Here’s one…