NEWS
BREAKING
J.E. Apology Draft Vers. 133
From the Notes App of Steve Tisch What up Tisch Bishes, I made a continuous and severe lapse of judgment when I traveled to Jeffrey Epstein’s awesome island. It was a horrible mistake…
NEws
The Legal Terms and Policies of the Zamboni
ATTENTION: This publication uses cookies. By clicking “agree” and proceeding to the next page, you have read and agreed to the Terms and Conditions and consent to the collection and use of…
Anarchy? No, Thank You: The Arteries and the Reunion Tour That Repented
For a brief, incandescent moment from 1976 to 1978, The Arteries were the most dangerous band in Britain. Composed of frontman Colin “Rancor” Davies, drummer Johnny “Hoof” Brandon, and twin guitar-bass duo…
Working 5-9
For years, misguided career counselors and underperforming motivational speakers insisted that the traditional 9-5 job was the backbone of financial stability in the United States. But in today’s economy, experts agree: real…
PuffGPT: The New Ultra Modern Vape
From menthol cigarettes to Birthday Cake JUUL pods, Big Tobacco has evolved so many ways to maximize pleasure and coolness. Thank you, BT! Now, Dirty Puffs bring you the newest technology in…
LATEST
I am Being Silenced!!!!
When I was first recruited to The Zamboni, I was delighted – an opportunity to promote traditional religious values whilst entertaining my peers! So imagine my surprise when I submitted my first article (an excellent one, if I may say so) only to have it unceremoniously struck down by the “editorial process.” When I confronted…
PREVIOUSLY
Tufts Imposes New Tariffs on Outside Vendors
Tufts University President Sunil Kumar announced sweeping new tariffs on products and services supplied by outside vendors in a press conference on Wednesday. “For decades our campus has been looted, pillaged, raped, and plundered by outside vendors near and far, both friend and foe alike.” Kumar said. “Unless C&W Services is prepared to exclusively employ…
Freshman Politically Active for the First Time, Now Expert on Every Issue Ever
In a shocking turn of events, freshman Karl Thompson, who began the semester with a general interest in political science, has now, after completing just three lectures in Introduction to International Relations, declared himself an expert on every political, social, and economic issue facing humanity. Karl, whose prior political experience included sporadically liking tweets from…
Kumar Has “Concepts of a Plan” to Address Substandard On-Campus Housing Option
In an absurd moment of rhetoric, President Sunil Kumar of Tufts University, declared he had “concepts of a plan” to address the crippling state of the mods. His comment came during a live Q&A in which one student confronted him about his administration’s efforts. “President Kumar, you have long vowed to repeal and replace The…
Cowardly TCU Treasurer Cuts Funding for Media Clubs In Attempt to Suppress Dissent
In what may become an act of political suicide, Tufts Community Union Treasurer Dhruv Sampat, announced that TCU would be cutting funding for on-campus publications, presumably in an effort to suppress dissent. “Our new policy aims to pivot the Tufts media landscape to a digital format, which would ensure that no one reads the criticism…
NEWS
New Hire at Palantir Mocked for Amateurish Invention
Kathleen Davidson, a 22-year-old neurodivergent engineer recently onboarded at Palantir, was enthused to present her first invention to her peers…
My Jihad: How I Conquered Self-Doubt in the Workplace
It started for me, as it does for most Prophets, with a nagging feeling. A little voice in the office…
The Long Sidewalk
BRRRRRRNG. My clock reads 5:09 a.m., snoozed once already. The Long Sidewalk awaits. I roll out of bed to get…
Intellectual Masturbation
It’s moving down the cast-iron stalwart tracks. Ooh. This superbly carpentered and superbly welded actuator resides in my palm. Ah.…
Metamorphosis: Bugz II Men
The soft sheets brushed against Bugor Insecta’s skin. He felt an extreme heft in his body, like his innards had…
One of the Greats
Since I was a boy, I knew I would one day be a great painter. Curators and critics would laud…
Dr. Diversity
I help make things that kill people. A lot of people. I don’t really think about it most days. I…
Sisyphus on Ice
Round and round, I go, a loop without end. Each pass I make, I press down the frost, scrape away…
My Muse
Succulent, plump, wet flesh Aloft, not unlike an angel, suspended in a glass prison A slight squirt of sweet, sticky…
In Memoriam: Ivy League Student
After a long day of sailboat racing, dogfighting, and hunting poor people, Kurt Sartre of Brown University retired to his…
Candyland Savings Bank Revealed to Practice “Redvining”
Internal records leaked Tuesday by an employee of Candyland Savings Bank (CSB) revealed that certain areas in Candyland were marked…
From the Tufts Office of the President
Dear Tufts Community Members, It’s all good. It’s all love. You guys are the best. You guys are so fucking…
The English Major and the Centaur
Ava ran her fingers along the desk, catching black plastic beneath her thumb. Professor Edelman’s hands moved dramatically as he…
The Puddle
Today it appeared. The puddle. I saw it resting on the floor, seeping into the gray patterned carpet. I stood…
Effective Altruism Too Effective
By 2137, the Effective Altruists (EA) had solved everything. The global coalition of spreadsheet-wielding utilitarians announced that poverty, disease, and…
BREAKING: CDC Declares “Men Who Think They Can DJ” A New Pandemic
Young men, ages 18-32, are being afflicted with what the CDC is now calling “one of the most diabolical diseases…
BREAKING: Local Bushwick Soundcloud Rapper Crushed by Large Fetus
Bushwick, NY: In the evening of January 1st at a local McDonalds, a currently unidentified man only known under the…
Life in the Marinara Trench
“This is my Nonna’s recipe,” Sarah Andiamo said, setting down a supersized dish of spaghetti and meatballs on the dinner…
Toffee Child
Toffee boy, go now and bring me my toffee. From the finest salon in all of France. From the oldest…
The Three Little Pigs and the Big Bad Wealth Gap
Hey, kids. Uncle Stratton here to teach you about the failings of our economic system. Let’s sit criss-cross applesauce and…
How Kids Like You Are Made
“Where do babies come from?” Yes, that’s the question that has had you scratching your head for years. It’s a…
My Amazing Transformation!
Hello, Highlightz readers! My name is Calvin, and I used to be a Very Hungry Caterpillar. But I wasn’t happy.…
The Big Beautiful Game
“From now on, we play Four Square,” little Donnie cried out to everyone gathered for recess. “I will be the…
What’s in Your Bag? Episode 3
For this special episode of What’s In Your Bag, I finally managed to land a bona fide, high-profile interviewee. Gone…
Aisle of Temptation: The Scholastic Book Fair Strikes Again
It appeared in our cafeteria one day like a shimmering capitalist mirage: the Scholastic Book Fair. Sure, flyers had been…
THE DAY THE CAMPUS QUIT
After Duncan’s crayons quit, he thought his days of negotiating with inanimate objects were behind him. Now a sophomore at…
Help! Alex Jones is the Monster in my Closet!
I do not know how he got in there. Maybe he crawled through the vents or shimmied down the chimney…
Help Suzie Jenkins De-Extinct Grandma!
Do you want to know what de-extinction is? Well, let’s hear all about it from Suzie Jenkins, whose science project…
I Raised A Fucking Dweeb!
Pokèmon cards. Comic books. Anime figurines. These are the things my dork of a son has asked of Santa for…
Big Tobacco Thanks Tufts Student Body For Making Smoking Cool Again
Whether they’re lounging on Prez Lawn, loitering outside of Tisch, or on their way to class, the sight of a…
Performative Masc Lesbian Competition Overshadows Plans for Tufts Lilith Fair
In the wake of the first ever Tufts Performative Male Competition, the Tufts student body discussed plans for yet another…
Not So Mystical, Magical: Inside the Life of one of Benson Boone’s Sister-Wives
I, McKenna Boone, no longer will be “taking off my blue jeans” for my husband Benson. Boon-Boon and I met…
Ticketmaster Monetizes Desperation with New Payment Options
With mounting public frustration over price gouging, Ticketmaster has started offering a variety of payment plans, tailored to match any…
“Wrong Charli” Megachurch Mix-up Shocks Thousands
“I’m everywhere, I’m so Julia.” These were the first words congregants heard booming from the pulpit on Sunday morning, accompanied…
Hottest Band Returns to Tufts: The Konstruction Krew
A symphony of drilling beats and a hammering melody. It’s official – the Konstruction Krew has returned. Tufts has hired…
The Catastrophic Effects of Radiohead on Plant Growth
Abstract: While we’ve been led to believe that the plants don’t actually “listen” to music, new evidence suggests they do…
“Whatever Happened to the Backyardigans?”
Once the darlings of children’s television, The Backyardigans dominated the mid-2000s with their infectious songs, genre-hopping adventures, and a sense…
My Girlfriend Won’t Give Me Radiohead: The Life of the Gatekept
I never thought it would happen to me. We used to share everything together: stories, food, my coworker that one…
Protect Your Local Party Girl
Due to rapid habitat loss, Tufts party girls have officially been classified as an endangered species. Following the administration crackdown…
Prince of Darkness Returns to the Light
She’s revived his career numerous times throughout life, but this week, Sharon Osbourne has completed her greatest revival yet: raising…
Sisyphus’ Letter to the Editors
Dear Zamboni Editor-in-Chief, When I overheard the shades in Hades discussing something called The Rolling Stone, I naturally assumed they…
Trouble in Heavenly Sector #110
Loving Husband & Father of Two Heaven (LHFT H), located in Sector 110 of Christian heaven, right beneath Small Orphan…
“Try Fentanyl:” RFK Jr. Speaks on Tylenol Replacement
Since the HHS made this recommendation, women everywhere have made the switch – and the results have been staggering. Studies…
Academic’s Raw Genius No Longer Constrained by the Limits of Human Language
“I don’t think you understand just how smart I am, okay?” Professor Faghuer told me. I sat with him in…
The Fat Bear Problem
For one mythic week out of the year, the world turns its eyes to Katmai National Park to revel in…
“Cancel Culture is Dead”: Woody Allen to Play Jimmy Page in New Zeppelin Biopic
This week, Universal Studios announced the cast for Ramble On, the forthcoming Led Zeppelin biopic. Ramble On will be the…
Homeland Security Places the Brothers of DTD at Border to Stifle Immigration
In reaction to mounting criticism of recent immigration policy, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has decided to outsource their…
Fans Clueless but Amazed After Lorde Ultrasound Tour
“It was so powerful when she started humping the stage,” Alyssa said. “It made me feel so seen as a…
Where Are They Now: Tony Monaco
It’s 10:37 a.m. on the benches in the Davis Square plaza. Tony Monaco stirs his espresso — takeout from Diesel…
Spotify Introduces Lucrative New Revenue Program for Struggling Artists
October 17, 2025—After months and months of critical feedback from its artists, Spotify has announced that it will make sweeping…
Q&A With the Editor in Chief
The following is a compilation of letters our Editor in Chief Jack Wilan has received in the past few months.…
Hands Across Boston
Brotherly love never felt so good. “What we have created is a human daisy chain of spiritual and sexual pleasure,”…
Letter to a Freshman Virgin
Dear First-Year Virgin, I was you once. Long ago. I probably don’t seem so different from you, but trust me,…
“You’re Finally a Woman,”
Now, no more than an hour later, standing on President’s Lawn, Jessica caressed a lit cigarette between her lips, tasting…
BACK TO SCHOOL, BACK TO SLIM!
Brought to you by the Tufts University Office of Residential Life & Learning Are you a bright, young individual headed…
A Soulful Word on Beginning
This morning, as my joints tingled in anticipation for the 6:30 a.m. industrial garbage trucks, and my lower back ached…
Message to a Penis Padawan
Welcome, young penis padawan! Your training begins today. I will help you – I am the Penis Jedi. I was…
The Sink’s Secret Menu
LAVENDER MARRIAGE: Earl grey latte coupled with lavender syrup THE GREEN LINE: Regular matcha latte; You’ll have to wait 8-12…
More Mormon, Less Problems
We all had dreams of attending the best universities America has to offer, but, somehow, we ended up at Tufts…
A Warning to the Club Curious
Freshmen, this is a warning. Many of you have anticipated joining clubs all summer, eager to get involved in extracurriculars…
Help! I Peaked in High School!
When you threw that graduation cap up in the air, you thought you threw your life away along with it.…
I Spent $900 on Textbooks I Didn’t Read and You Should Too
Tufts University is a world-class institution, a beacon of intellectual pursuit, and most importantly, a thriving marketplace for the legal…
Confessions of a Chronic Faredodger
My pace quickens as I make my approach to the Medford/Tufts Green line stop. The game plan runs through my…
Sayonara, Seniors!
In honor of our graduating seniors, we have put together some senior profiles! Congratulations, and long live The Zamboni! Sid…
Dora The Missionary
For years, Tufts University has brainwashed its students into believing that Jumbo was an elephant. They print it on merch.…
Jumbo Is a Mammoth
For years, Tufts University has brainwashed its students into believing that Jumbo was an elephant. They print it on merch.…
Eaton Hall to be Renovated into Power Rangers Megazord
Tufts students returning to campus after Winter Break may have noticed the new Eaton Hall renovations, which reworked the layout…
RFK’s Worm Exhausts Food Supply, Finds New Home in Sunil Kumar
The Tufts community has been shaken to its core. Upon finding its food source depleted, the worm that previously inhabited…
Mr. Beast Trolley Problem
The end of 2024 wasn’t easy for Jimmy “Mr. Beast” Beast; his Amazon Prime game show was facing legal challenges…
Club Penguin Island Breaks Out Into All-Out Class War
Since its inception in January 2009, the membership badge has afforded Club Penguin residents with a life of never-ending luxury.…
Tufts Attempts To Curry Favor With New Sidewalk Policy
This past winter, as the blistering, icy grip of New England winter tightened around Tufts University, Tufts Facilities unveiled an…
Salon Queens: A Dying Breed
I’ve dedicated my life to observing human behavior. I’ve spent years studying American society closely. My work spans all six…
Tuft’s Most Terrifying Predator: The 30 year-old Grad Student in Your Class
Deep in the academic wilderness of Tufts University, a strange and powerful creature lurks among the unsuspecting undergraduate population. It…
My Life as a DORK:the Anthropology of the Tufts Student
5:30 AM: Wake up before my lazy roommate. I put on my big silly dork glasses and take out my…
Gulliver’s Travels: 2 Fast 2 Travel
Dearest Reader, My name is Gulliver, and I still have a tale to tell that will make your hair stand…
Africa 101: Tufts Goes Safari
Jambo! Psst, that means ‘hello’ in Swahili. I’m here as your humble safari guide to take you on a journey…
To Expel or Not To Expel: Monkey Faces Plagiarism Accusations
After over a century of investigation, the Tufts’ Cummings School of Veterinary Medicine has finally accomplished the first step in…
Settlers of Catan Introduces New Indigenous Expansion Pack
“Once the George Washington Card is played, the Unbreakable Treaty Card becomes void. God has spoken.” Settlers of Catan: Manifest…
Anthropologist Proves America Is the Best
The bland green Mongolian Steppe is a far cry from the purple mountain majesties and parking lots I know and…
Tufts Wrestling Entertainment World Heavyweight Championship Match Ends In Chaos
The following is a commentator’s transcript from the Tufts Wrestling Entertainment World Heavyweight Championship Match. All cameras were unfortunately destroyed…
LOST IN LEWIS CAVERNS
Lewis hall residents have long wondered about the long, liminal corridor of locked doors in the building’s basement. The doors…
EXPOSED: Tufts’ New Business Frat
With the new business frat Alpha Kappa Psi on campus, my team and I decided it was absolutely imperative that…
Mother Only One To See Through Daughter-in-Law’s Cult of Personality
The image captures a woman lifting a young girl into the air. Fresh faced and rosy cheeked, the young girl…
Naggy Nancy the Library Shusher Back At It Again: Gunshots “Too Loud”
Well, here we go again. Nancy Sherbraun, colloquially known as Naggy Nancy the Library Shusher, has once again taken it…
Manic Pixie Dream Boy
A young man sits on the library basement floor, tucked discreetly between the book stacks while pondering a novel in…
Ratatouille Rat’s Less Talented Cousin Found Working at Dewick Dining Hall
In the latest series of Tufts’ dining rodent infestations, a large rat was discovered bathing in the kitchen sink of…
Tufts Secret Society: Jumbottoms, Revealed
A whistleblower, who has asked to remain anonymous, recently revealed the existence of a long-rumored secret society at Tufts University.…
Curious Case of Proctor
I awoke, groggy and dreary-eyed, one rainy morn. My mind was occupied with the readings and papers I had to…
Gifford House: Hell on Earth
Gifford House, home of Sunil Kumar. The light in the attic, eerily constant. I can’t help but think of the…
Filthy Rich: The So-Called ‘Homeless’
Call them what you want: hobos, bums, tramps, beggars. The homeless are widely considered to be a rock at the…
Have You or a Loved BioPsych Student Been Personally Victimized by Professor Philip Starks’ Love of Bees?
You’re not alone! Tufts students campus-wide (fine, just Bio 130 students) are struggling with these symptoms: If the answer to…
Tufts Establishes Department of Jumbo Efficiency
It was a dark and stormy night when an anonymous TCU Treasurer broke this mind-boggling story to us. Following the…
Tufts University Exposed: Every Student Was a Warrior Cats Kid
MEDFORD, MA—After years of speculation, new evidence has surfaced confirming what many have long suspected: Every single student at Tufts…
Toast Busters: Inside the Houston Hall Grilled Cheese Black Market
In the dimly lit corridors of Houston Hall, a tragic tale of rebellion, melted cheese, and broken dreams unfolded. What…
A Bloody Beginning: What Really Happened to Jumbo?
All Tufts students know the story of a valiant elephant named Jumbo who saved his small friend, Tom Thumb, from…
Tufts Grads Go Undercovers as Employed
ATHENS, GA – Recent graduates of Tufts University, Lauren Smith, Dylan Friedman, and Sonya Terrence, have decided to go where…
Tufts Students Abroad in Chile Trapped
In the United States, citizens generally have the right to reenter the country should they find themselves abroad. In fact,…
The Tufts Tilt: Illness at an Incline
In the last eight weeks, record-breaking numbers of students have complained of severe back pain and an intense spinal skew.…
The Male Loneliness Epidemic: 65 Years of Suffering
Men. They used to be considered the breadwinners, the leaders, the strong and the dominant gender. Today, they make up…
INVESTIGATIVE
Dog DTD Claimed To Have Adopted Turns Out To Be 65 Year Old Cleaning Lady
The Tufts University community was thrilled when DTD revealed that they had adopted a dog into their frat-family. The brotherhood appeared to be orienting itself towards a family-friendly identity by welcoming a German Shepherd named Hildebrand into their home. Jill Zellmer, Executive Director of OEO, brightly remarked on this furry new campus presence. “Here’s one…
Disney Announces Toy Story 79
Disney recently announced that Toy Story 79 has entered the pre-production stage. This is the 89th installment in the Toy Story franchise, which consists of 79 Toy Story films, five Lightyear spin-offs, four Woody neo-westerns, and one erotic Bullseye film from David Lynch. Old-school Toy Story fans were skeptical of the announcement, especially after the…
